Quotes from Ex-Lovers

2 Jul

“There’s a goddess on my bed.”


“We can’t sleep together anymore because I need to cleanse my body of toxins.”

“Did we just high-five?”

“I’ve always wanted to high-five!” I said this one

“You’re good at this game.”

“What are your feelings on canoodling in public?”

“That was weird.”

“That was funny.”


“Have you ever cried after sex?”

“I think we already talked about crying after sex.”

*Vomitting noises*

“That was better than last time, right?”


“Want a popsicle?” I also said this one

“I feel dizzy.”

“Let’s cuddle.”

“Let’s not cuddle.”

“You’re good at cuddling.”

“I don’t feel like cuddling anymore.”

“Shut up.”

“Are you going to tweet about this?”

“Don’t tweet about this.”


“I always thought you were a lesbian.”

“You’re not a lesbian?”

“I’m bisexual.”

“I once drank my friend’s semen.”

“I need a cigarette.”

“I’m going to smoke a cigarette and leave.”

“I’m leaving.”

“Good thing I have leftover lamb.”

“Can you leave?”

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