Note to Attractive Men with Accents

4 Jul

Dear attractive men with accents,

I would like to start with an apology. Sorry I assume all of you are from England. If you really are from England, sorry I said that like people don’t want to be from England. 

You’re a 5. In your homeland of I don’t really care (England), you were a 5. In America, you’re an 8, a 9 even. I am completely infatuated with you. You are beautiful. Godlike. Do you know God? Is God from England? You are the closest thing to my ideal man. (My ideal man is male Heidi Klum. If you are reading this, Heidi Klum, you are actually the closest thing to my ideal man now that I think about it.) 

You are walking down the street or bar tending at that bar on 29th and 8th and a Jewish girl walks in alone, orders an beer and flirts with you for an hour or so, you were Irish? Call me?

My friend has an OkCupid account. Actually my friend. I don’t have one. Not because I’m against online dating but because my therapist thinks that I am too sexually active already and making an online dating profile would just make everything worse. Anyway, something I noticed is that people always mention if they have an accent. “The first thing people notice about me is my eyes and my accent… LOL” is probably something someone wrote on OkCupid. This is unfair. Unfair. Why do you guys do this? This is so rude to all of the men from America who are actually 7s or 8s not just 5s who happen to be from England. Imagine how they feel. Do you have feelings? 

Your accent is distracting me from the fact that you are maybe uninteresting, maybe ugly and probably in a relationship. All of it doesn’t matter the second you open your mouth. It is beauty. You are beauty, male Heidi, and I love you. 

Why does your accent go away when you sing?


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