Inanimate Objects I Dislike Volume 1: Revolving Doors

9 Jul

Welcome to my multi-part installment of “Inanimate Objects I Dislike.” We all have ’em. From chairs without arms to the stubborn blades of Cuisnarts, inanimate objects make our lives difficult. Technology should find a way to fix these problems, but instead society settles on horrible and inconvenient designs. Based on my observations on life (and objects), I will now outline my problems with the first inanimate object I dislike: revolving doors.

A quick definition from Wikipedia (You can skip this if you know what a revolving door is):

revolving door typically consists of three or four doors that hang on a center shaft and rotate around a vertical axis within a cylindrical enclosure. Revolving doors are energy efficient as they prevent drafts, thus preventing increases in the heating or cooling required for the building. At the same time, revolving doors allow large numbers of people to pass in and out.

Here are a few pictures of “people struggling with revolving doors.” (I googled that)

For some reason Tammy Emineth also came up for the search result

Next to every revolving door, is a non-revolving door. All you want to do is use the non-revolving door but there is a sign reading “Please Use Revolving Door” on every single fucking non-revolving door next to a revolving door. You want to get into this building swiftly but instead you listen to your stupid sign and enter the vortex.

Occasionally, I have to wait in a line of angry future revolving door users. Everyone, I assume, is just as frustrated as I amwith the prospect of this door. It is glaring at us. Its four quadrants occupied by people entering and leaving the building. It is finally my turn to enter. I stand awkwardly close to the human in front of me as they go into one of the quadrants. Do I go in the same quadrant as them? No. Don’t do that. I’ve done it before and it is just so awkward and weird. You have to try your hardest not to back-hump the door-user in front of you. And then your back is pressed by the glass behind you and it is just horrible. HORRIBLE. So I wait until the next door becomes available.

In the off-chance I do not need to wait in line, and I am the only revolving door patron at the time, I can set the pace. Otherwise, I am forced to follow the pace of the person in front of you. I guarantee you, this pace will be either too fast or too slow. If it is too fast, you will have to quickly shuffle your feet because from the outside you are unaware of the pace and the speed is shocking. If it is too slow, maybe another door-user will come in behind you and try to butt-hump you. Worst case scenario, a child, A CHILD, comes in behind you and you have to smile at it like you care about it and don’t mind it invading your personal space. But you do mind. It is a child. And probably not your own child. Maybe your own child…but I’m sure that is also annoying.

Finally I enter the building. I am in the lobby and you are proud. Proud that I lived through that horrible experience. Then I remember, I need to exit the building. The thought of having to go through that experience again nearly causes me to cry. So I cry. But eventually I exit the building.

Some Facts About Revolving Doors And Why They Should Be Abolished

1. There were 12,231 injuries involving revolving doors alone in 2004.

THAT IS SO MANY INJURIES. Are you fucking kidding? This is ridiculous and totally inappropriate. This would never happen with a normal door. That is a larger number than population than the town of Snodland, a small town located in the county of Kent, England. For more information on Snodland CLICK HERE

2. Japan, arguably the best country in the world, has grown wary of the use of revolving doors because of this high injury rate. I don’t blame you Japan, I too am wary.

Note: Japan has grown wary of AUTOMATIC revolving doors, but I think they really meant the regular kind and are just confused.

Stay tuned for the next installment of Inanimate Objects I Dislike: Wall-Mounted Hand Dryers

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