Me interviewing the inventor of salad

16 Jul

Me (to audience): Tonight we have a very special guest. Coming from either Greece or Rome according to Wikipedia, help we welcome, THE INVENTOR OF SALAD!

Me (to inventor of salad): Hey! Welcome to my show that exists.

Inventor of salad: Thanks, Zoë! I’m a huge fan of yours, marry me (laughs nervously)… just kidding? I am happy to be here.

Me: Great, well let’s get this started.

Inventor of salad: Sounds good. 

Me: So how did you come up with this concept? Did it just come to you or….

Inventor of salad: By mistake actually. 

Me: NO!

Inventor of salad: Yes. 

Me: What do you mean?

Inventor of salad: It was a freak accident.

Me: Time for a quick word from our sponsors. 

Me (to audience): Welcome back. For those who are just joining us, we are here with the inventor of salad.

Me (to inventor of salad): Moving on. Feelings on fruit salad?

Inventor of salad: Excuse me?

Me: Fruit salad?

Inventor of salad: Oh! Ha, I must’ve misheard you. I’m indifferent.

Me: Me too.

Inventor of salad: Mmhmm…

Me: How do you feel about the following statement: “Don’t order a salad on a date, he’ll think you’re a total bimbo slut and he’ll never go out with you again.”

Inventor of salad: Interesting point, Zoë.

Me: Word.

Inventor of salad: I disagree wholeheartedly. Salad is a fantastic source of nutrients and vitamins and it gets a bad rap because it is good for you. This country….(For more on this country CLICK HERE)

Me: America does hate healthy things. Except Beyonce. America LOVES Beyonce. Thoughts? 

Inventor of salad: Yes, America does love Beyonce but I think we’re getting sidetracked. Aren’t we supposed to be talking about salad here?

Me: Fuck you. I don’t even like salad and you invented it by accident…

Inventor of salad: Listen, sometimes accidents happen. Beautiful accidents. That can be tossed at any delicatessen in New York City. Some actually chop them for you. You will always go for the balsamic but the sesame ginger is probably a better bet. As the inventor of salad, I can say for sure, sesame ginger, probably better. Salad has shaped our culture. In a beautiful way. Think of all the babies that were born because of salad. We finally have a place for our pulverized nuts and dried cranberries. Gotta have that crunch…ya know? 

Me: You’re boring. What’s your favorite dressing?

Inventor of salad: I like my salad how I like my men, undressed. 

Me: Oh! So you’re gay?

Inventor of salad: No, I’m just Roman.

Me: Thanks for coming on my show.

Inventor of salad: Thanks for having me.

Me: Any weight loss tips before you go?

Inventor of salad: Yes. Consider having an active internet persona instead of exercising. You can also eat ice cream every day and frequently forget to shower. Also, regularly hit on men who are out of your league and consider LASIK. 


Inventor of salad: (winks) See you later, Zoë.

Me: That was creepy. Tune in next week when we ouija board with Jennifer Love Hewitt who isn’t dead yet, but her music career is! HA! Yeah…but if she doesn’t die, the show is cancelled. Thanks, you guys have been great.


2 Responses to “Me interviewing the inventor of salad”

  1. Julie Leary (@juweeweewee) July 17, 2012 at 11:52 pm #

    fairway salads!!?

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