Things I do on public transportation

28 Jul

Here is a list of things I do on public transportation. It is safe to believe that everyone who is reading this does the same thing. They are all 100 % rational.

 

1. Make horribly awkward, prolonged eye contact with people in my age range

2. Make horribly awkward, prolonged eye contact with DILFs

This is awkward because I used to have a crush on Peter Gallagher’s son (4th grade) . If you’re reading this, Jamie, call me! ; )

3. Get self conscious when I’m eating something because A) I’m not a clean eater and B) Everything bagels smell weird and they comprise 80% of my diet

4. Rank myself in terms of attractiveness. It gets tricky because you have to control for age but I tend to rank in the middle-ish. Sometimes I can pull out a top 10 percentile.

5. Rank men in terms of what I call the “In Case of Emergency” factor which is their ability to save me in case of emergency.

6. Compare my attractiveness rank with the “In Case of Emergency” rank of the men and see which man would save me. Sometimes this only makes matters worse.

7. Not give people money for candy, dancing or playing “Imagine” on various instruments

8. Imagine the most horrible thing that can happen. It frequently involves bombs, guns or people playing “Imagine” on various instruments

9. Listen to one hit wonder. Esp. 867-5309 (Jenny)

10. Assume everyone is reading Fifty Shades of Grey on their Kindle (or iPad) and get freaked out

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