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4 Aug



Slogans for Teva™

2 Aug

We all know Teva™. The unlikeable sandal. I think they need a new marketing strategy. Here are some brilliant ideas I thought of after crying on the subway…


Teva™: Goes great with a Subaru Outback

Teva™: Have your foot tan match your self hatred

Teva™: They make these in not kid’s sizes?

Teva™: Slightly better than those shoes with toes

Teva™: Granola feet

Teva™: Understand Joni Mitchell

Teva™: Are you Israeli or something?

Teva™: Good luck with that pebble!

Teva™: Lasts 10 years, sadly

Teva™: Don’t look down

Teva™: Get annoying shit caught in the velcro

Teva™: The Merrells are over there

Teva™: Ugly tribal print straps make you look culturally aware

Teva™: Moms for Obama

Alternative names for famous people

2 Aug

So Snoop Dogg changed his name to Snoop Lion. Here are some suggestions for other celebrities.

1. Willow Smith—> John Smith

Willow is a little hard to relate to. If you want to be famous, you gotta keep it relatable, Willow.

John Smith

2. Marco Polo —-> Tag

Tag is a better game.

Sorry, you aren’t my type.

3. Madonna —-> Boob Cone

You are what you eat, Madonna.

This is a cake of a Madonna nip slip. Google search “madonna boob” for more info.

4. Mark Zuckerberg —> Literally anything is better than the last name “Zuckerberg”

I can’t believe how rich you are considering your last name.

5. Keira Knightley —> Natalie Portman

She’s doing better right now.

About 12,700,000 results for “keira knightley natalie portman”

6. Sir Mix-A-Lot—-> Sir Mixed-One-Song

Am I right?!

7. Leonardo Dicaprio —-> Leo DCAP Lion

It’s time to start your rap career.

fake tan fo sho

8. Suri Cruise —> Lol that shit sucks

Listen, Suri. You are going to plagued by the “Cruise” name forever, no matter what you do. You might as well take an administrative role in your decisions, cut that cord, be your own person who is exactly like your mother and not your father.

9. Fred Flintstone —-> Fred Microchip

It’s time.

My legs don’t work like this.

10. Vanilla Ice —-> Manilla Ice

A more sophisticated name, for a more sophisticated folder.

This horse is named “manilla ice”

11. Joseph Gordon-Levitt —>  Joseph Gordon-Levitt

Never change baby.

12. David Bowie —-> David

You could pull a Madonna and it’d be chill. Just “David.” It has a nice ring to it.

13.  Diddy —-> Puff Daddy

Vintage is in.

This guy throws great parties

14. John Platt (is my high school English teacher who once called me stupid) —-> John Doucheface Fatwad

REVENGE IS A BITCH, JOHN. I know he isn’t famous but I hate his stupid doucheface fatwad.

Whatever, John. Your relationship with Edgar Allan Poe is unhealthy and freaky. Also, your quizzes were impossible and if you’re reading this, Hi. Thanks for the good grades.

15. Mariska Hargitay —-> Olivia Benson

Everyone already calls you Olivia Benson. I also want to add, I got the spelling of her name right on the first try. Who is stupid now, John Doucheface Fatwad??


16. Mrs. Fields —-> Ms. Fields

Be your own woman.

I can’t believe this is what she looks like. She could be in Grease or something.

17. Jenny Craig —-> Mrs. Fields

Everyone loves cookies and hates exercising. Jump on it, Jenny.

Not Jenny Craig

18. DMX —-> DMXXX (Alt: DMSEX)

Porn. I’d watch it.

Someone’s having a bad day…

19. Papa John —-> Lil Papa John

The transition from pizza sensation to hip hop sensation doesn’t seem too difficult.

Yo, give this dude some GRILLZ

20. Oprah Winfrey —-> Oprah Winslife

She does.

Tweets about guinea pigs

1 Aug

Fun & creative ways to solve the economic crisis :)

31 Jul

Now, I’m not the most political gal but as an unemployed college graduate who has never worked a real job, I think I know a thing or two about making money. Here are some tips for you, government of the United States of America.

1. Bake Sale

Bake sales are a fun way to bring the family together and get some cash in these tough times. You can sell banana bread, cupcakes and even lemonade!!!!. (2.9 million results for “obama cupcake”)

2. Register all government cars with GEICO (15 minutes can save you 15 % or more on car insurance)

Ayyyy, I’m a gecko!

3.  Stop supporting organic farms

Factory farming is so cheap and cozy! Shout out to the vegans and graduates of liberal arts college. Also, a friendly remind that this is a humor blog. xo. 

4. Steal piggy banks

5 year olds don’t need money as much as the United States, and they should understand that.

5. Sell the fat people lose after dramatic weight loss

America has a lot of fat people…

I will not put a picture here….I looked at plenty and I hate them all.

6. Spend more money on plastic surgery

I think the cosmetic surgery industry is really suffering during this financial crisis. Let’s keep America’s richest, America’s prettiest.

7. Government-sanctioned cute coin purses

Save your money in style! Obama’s face.

8. Re-Gold Rush

What ever happened to the gold rush?

9. Fast for a week, see who survives, steal money from dead people

It’s an idea. 

10. Peer pressure Canada into giving us some money

We’ve been neighbors for so long!

Men and groups of men who are out of my league

30 Jul

1. Construction workers

Based solely on the fact that I’ve never been sexually harassed by a construction worker, I think they are probably uninterested in my kind. Aren’t construction workers supposed to hit on me constantly? Whatever, fuck you guys.

2. Steve Harvey

“Who the fuck are you?” would probably be how Steve Harvey responded to me.

3. Henry VIII

He’s my favorite ❤ (See my face morphed with the faces of Henry VII’s wives)

4. Apple Geniuses

They just have giant sticks up their iButts. These two look like total fembots.

5.  Not this boy I had a crush on for 2 years

I blurred out his face. I’m a gem.

6. Friends of friends (and Friends)

A category that should be ripe with sexual prospects has turned up dry. 

7. Iron Chef Masaharu Morimoto

I would assume he isn’t interested.

8. Marines

The few, the proud, the uninterested in Jewish girls

9. Fans of things

Most men are fans of things. 

10. Elmer Fudd

The speech impediment thing probably attracts a lot of women. Women love a good lisp. 

11. The attractive man I saw on the subway today that I thought was eyeing me but was just looking at the subway map directly behind my head.

He didn’t look like Mario Lopez.

12. Subway Jared

His last name is Fogle. (Projected NY Times crossword clue in 2027)

13. Doctors/Lawyers/Men in real estate/ Men Without Hats (the band)

You may know them from their one-hit wonder “The Safety Dance” (Not going to be a crossword clue)


14. Joseph Gordon-Levitt

This is the 3rd time I’ve Googled him in 24 hours. I am sad to say, he is out of my league. I might be in love with him? Fo sho in love with him. Ugh. Life is hard. 

15. Men with soul patches

I could probably land one night with this guy, now that I think about it.

16. The Situation

I don’t think he’d be into my overall schtick but hey, never say never, RIGHT? RIGHT?!?!?!

17. Not this other boy I had a crush on for 2 years

I accidentally made him look like the unabomber. (It is apparently not spelled ‘unibomber’)

18. The unabomber

America’s most wanted for a reason. (I should write the Unabomber’s OKCupid profile)

19. Straight men who frequent gay bars

I don’t know if this is actually a thing, but they are definitely out of my league. Daniel Craig?

20. Joseph Gordon-Levitt

: (

Things I do on public transportation

28 Jul

Here is a list of things I do on public transportation. It is safe to believe that everyone who is reading this does the same thing. They are all 100 % rational.


1. Make horribly awkward, prolonged eye contact with people in my age range

2. Make horribly awkward, prolonged eye contact with DILFs

This is awkward because I used to have a crush on Peter Gallagher’s son (4th grade) . If you’re reading this, Jamie, call me! ; )

3. Get self conscious when I’m eating something because A) I’m not a clean eater and B) Everything bagels smell weird and they comprise 80% of my diet

4. Rank myself in terms of attractiveness. It gets tricky because you have to control for age but I tend to rank in the middle-ish. Sometimes I can pull out a top 10 percentile.

5. Rank men in terms of what I call the “In Case of Emergency” factor which is their ability to save me in case of emergency.

6. Compare my attractiveness rank with the “In Case of Emergency” rank of the men and see which man would save me. Sometimes this only makes matters worse.

7. Not give people money for candy, dancing or playing “Imagine” on various instruments

8. Imagine the most horrible thing that can happen. It frequently involves bombs, guns or people playing “Imagine” on various instruments

9. Listen to one hit wonder. Esp. 867-5309 (Jenny)

10. Assume everyone is reading Fifty Shades of Grey on their Kindle (or iPad) and get freaked out